I wanted to share with you more about what happens when we believe that others are judging us. I’m not talking about bullying. Speaking of bullying, here is a helpful link to Helping Everyone Achieve Respect: https://project-hear.us. I’ve been bullied and it’s definitely painful. Remember, find your helpers and seek out and create your communities that recognize your humanity. Bullying is not neutral and has to be called out and addressed. What I’m talking about in this blog is the pain we create when we choose to think we are constantly being judged by others.
What anyone says is a circumstance and is actually neutral, though it doesn’t feel that way and is more complex. It’s not what they say, though that can be triggering, it’s our thoughts about what they said that create the feeling and that’s what drives the actions to make what we think someone else is doing, saying or thinking mean about us as an individual.
In fact, we really have no idea what anyone else’s experience, thoughts, or what they are thinking about us. We are completely powerless over others, which is the good news. Because, everyone else is completely powerless over you. Now, I’m not talking about your parents, teachers and the rules we follow. Of course, we all have consequences for our actions. I’m talking about the fact that other people are powerless over your thoughts and feelings and actions and results.
We are humans and we want to fit in and we want others’ approval, and when someone says something or acts in a certain way, or we just think they are judging us, we think if only they knew the real me or I could change, then nobody would be judging me. As you are going about your day, hum, hum, hum, the thought that they are judging me, can cause you to have a feeling of judging yourself and then your actions are probably going to be to jump out of your own lane, your own life, your own power, and convince and defend.
They may be judging you. Who knows? You’re a human. You and I judge other people. Right? We talked in the podcast on self-judging (Lighten up on yourself) that all humans are judgmental and that those thoughts are going to keep coming up, but we can soften them up and lessen them and note that they are just thoughts and choose not to give thoughts that aren’t serving you power. All we have to do to pull the plug on their power is to recognize when and how they come up for us.
Usually, when we are judging someone, we are actually judging ourselves. So, let that be a helpful indicator to you. You can start to notice when you are judging someone else and learn to drop it like a book. Judging others means you are headed into comparison land and that is like in CandyLand where you get sent backwards to the start. I hate it when that happens. It feels really good sometimes to judge other people. It’s like that itch we gotta scratch. Ooh, up to the right a little higher, that’s the spot. But, recognize, this is going No-wheresville. The reason is your judging means nothing to them and has zero effect on their life. It’s a waste of your time.
I don’t mean you shouldn’t have boundaries that keep you safe and in a healthy place. Also, I know that what other people say can be triggering in a good, bad or neutral way, so can trigger a thought that creates a feeling. It’s the thought about what they said or what you are making it mean about yourself that creates whatever feeling you are having.
You don’t have to spend your time convincing people who you are and I would recommend not wasting time defending yourself. Now, this depends on the circumstance, of course. You can be clear with other people and set boundaries and decide maybe not to be friends with them and you don’t want to hang out because you have decided that you would rather find people to hang out with who are more in line with how you treat people. That makes sense and you get to decide and love your choice.
Here are the three most helpful life coaching teachings I have learned and I’m telling you they are life changing! If you have a thought coming up that you are being judged, just ask yourself or consider challenging your current thinking and beliefs that aren’t serving you:
- What am I making it mean? Why am I giving other people’s words, actions or what I think they are thinking about me power?
- Let them be who they are. We can’t change other people. So, let them be who they are.
- Let them be wrong about you. Don’t waste your time convincing or defending yourself. You have an amazing life to live. When you have your own back and fully love and accept yourself no matter what, you have self-love as your superpower!
The power is in you as an individual accepting yourself no matter what and power in a community that you seek out that fully loves and accepts you.
When you wear that warm self-acceptance blanket and you have your mantra- I aM mE and I fully love and accept myself, there’s nothing you can’t do. That’s available to you right now.
Self-Love Superpower,
Dr. Karla