Do You Parent with Compassion or Compliance?

Do You Parent with Compassion or Compliance?

by | May 11, 2022 | General, Parenting and Teens

Do you parent with compassion or compliance?

I don’t have everything figured out.  

I don’t have some secret that I’m withholding from you.  

I don’t know any more than you, especially when it comes to your teen.  

I don’t think your parenting needs fixing or solving. 

You Are an Unbroken, Loving Parent

In fact, I believe with my whole heart that you are unbroken.  I believe with my whole heart that you are an incredible loving parent who is living your amazing life with your incredible teen.  Like me, you want your teen to reach their full potential in every aspect of life and be happy.  Right?  That seems like a tall order with all that’s going on in the world these days. 

You cannot control all of the things in the world for your teen, which often makes us feel helpless or powerless which makes us double down with our fear and lack and compliance parenting approach.

Once You Change, Your Teen Changes

Here is what I have worked on as a parent myself and as a pediatrician over many years, and that is, drumroll please, once I change, my teen changes.  Until coaching I thought I needed to change my teen to make myself feel better.  Wrong!  Once I learned the power of thoughts and that thoughts create feelings, I started to get curious and invested at least the last 2 ½ years (yes, years) in creating a more loving and supportive approach with my teens.

I was as stuck as a parent could be in a fixed and prickly relationship with my daughter.  I kept waiting for her to grow out of it and it seems like it took me forever to figure out that I’m the one who has to “grow up and out of it”.  Of course, she stepped up too with intention to create a more healthy dynamic between us.  I can tell when she is trying.  

I was parenting her from fear and lack and a belief that when I say something she should do it and collecting all of the evidence when she didn’t do what I said, take my advice which would, of course, at least in my mind, make her life so much better and make her more successful, then I could make it mean that the label I was assigning to her is true.  I became more self-righteous as a Mom and our relationship suffered or stayed stuck and I felt like a failure and felt defeated, hopeless and helpless.

Learn to Parent with Compassion Instead of Compliance

I was parenting with compliance and not compassion. A round of unfun for all! Yuck!

Now, the first and most important thing I learned is to put my self-love superpower oxygen mask on first.  

I learned how to stay in my lane, that I will continue to make mistakes (on the daily) and I learned how to set boundaries, which has helped me with all aspects of my life. 

I recognize that I cannot fix or solve my teen because they are unbroken.

I recognize I don’t cause or control all of the things and that I am a mere mortal and so is my teen.  

I learned that even though my actions came from good intentions, none of it was helpful when my actions, coming from my feelings, created by my thoughts I was choosing over and over even though they weren’t serving me, are what mattered.  All our teens know is our actions or inactions. In your head, you may be June or Ward Cleaver or Dr. Spock, but none of that matters if you are triggered to get in your teen’s lane every time they walk in the room.  

I created a curious awareness of my thought patterns that would send me into emotional reactivity and victim mode instead of taking responsibility for my feelings and responding as an emotional adult.  

Parent with Compassion and Stay Out of Shame, Guild, and Judgment

I learned to parent with compassion and not compliance and most importantly, to treat myself with compassion and not judge how good of a parent I am 

I stay out of shame, guilt and judgment of my teen and myself as a parent, most of the time.   

My teen and I just got back from a couple of college visits and we had such a great time.  We had our moments of tension which is fine, those will always happen, but so many glorious moments that we wouldn’t have had if I haven’t done this self-work.

You and your teen are worthy of your self-work. 

Self-love superpower, 

Dr. Karla

Self Awareness and Discovery – Doing the Work

Self Awareness and Discovery – Doing the Work

by | May 9, 2022 | General, Parenting and Teens, Self Acceptance

“The Work” of self awareness and discovery is hard.

There’s no way around it.

Circa 2018 or 2019: “Mom, I know you’ve lost weight and have done a lot for your health, but you act the same.  I don’t see much of a difference.”

That was my daughter, Katherine’s comment to me after I reached my weight loss goal, referring to my emotionally reactive self which still rears her ugly head on the daily, though exponentially less these days.

Man did that one sting. 

We Cause Our Own Suffering

In “Loving What Is” Byron Katie teaches that most of the harm and suffering we cause ourselves and others is by staying attached to the thought that reality should be different.  

Should is the key word in that sentence.

Does the reality that you will cause harm and suffering in others, even your children, give you a punch in the gut?

Hitting Rock Bottom

I hit rock bottom in September 2019, after a perfect microburst storm of grief over my mom’s death, transitioning to a reality I couldn’t deny that my oldest was going away to college, and resigning from my job after enduring years of whistleblower retaliation and toxic gaslighting. 

To be honest, though extremely painful, and as difficult all the above were, the additional pain and suffering I was adding to the mix by how I was showing up as a parent with my daughter, Audrey, was the icing on my dark-times bitter cake.

Keep in mind, all of this was pre-pandemic. 

I was down on the mat and down for the count, soon to be a colossal loser because of my attachment to my belief that Audrey should change for me to feel better about myself as a mom.  It was clear in my ever-blurrier vision that Audrey was a problem I needed to fix and solve.  

From the Mouths of Babes

Keep in mind, my kid is a great kid.  She’s brilliant, fearless, and doing great things in the world.  

I have lost every argument with her since she was 3.

Flashback to 16 years ago, potty-training the most adorable child to exist with buns squished on the toilet seat, feet turned in and talking through a PhD level logic thread while sucking her thumb: 

“Hey, you don’t control my body.”

“I don’t even control my body.”

“God controls my body.”

“Wait, God doesn’t control my body.”

“If Jesus is God’s son, why would he kill his own son?”

“If Jesus is really God, why would God kill his self?”

“Fine, Audrey. All pigs can fly.  You keep crapping your pants.”

Flash forward 16 years to when I resigned from my job:

“Mom, you’re just bored.”

“You do nothing all day.”

Since our teens live in gotcha culture, failures are weaponized.  

Negative Self-Talk & Pursuit of Perfection Spans Generations

It makes sense.  When you are raised by hyper-competitive, external achievement focused, perfection driven Gen X parents, it’s going to seep in. 

Years of attachment to my negative self-talk, inner critic, spilled over and since I had minimal to no self-compassion and taught her that I could control suffering and avoid failure, I provided Audrey a lot of robust evidence that Mom must be a failure.  

Mom’s a loser and now’s my chance to let her know every time she tells me to study, come out of my room, and gets in my lane. 

Byron Katie is an enlightened genius, and I couldn’t recommend her work more.  When I say, work, I mean, “The Work” which are four seemingly simple questions that will lead you through personal inquiry to self-discovery.

What Are the 4 Questions of Self Awareness and Discovery?

The Four Questions:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

We cringe thinking of doing “The Work” or any work on ourselves.  

Isn’t it easier to just change up other people so that we can feel a certain way? 

“The Work” is a gift of personal inquiry, of self-awareness and discovery.  The only reason you may be really frightened, even terrified to do “The Work” is because you are terrified of what you will discover.  That all this chasing down the external and changing yourself up to make yourself feel a certain way, to prove you are worthy, that you finally fit in, has not only been a colossal waste of time, but has also caused unnecessary suffering.  

It seeps over to our teens.

Maybe you aren’t willing to do “The Work” of self awareness and discovery for yourself, but I guarantee you are more than willing to do “The Work” so you are able to show up as a loving and supportive parent for your child.  

I can assure you leaning into doing “The Work” has been a transformational gift in my life.  

Right now, you may be white knuckling through life, fighting off reality like a failed superhero at every turn.  

You most likely come to parenting with some baggage, so having grace and compassion for yourself is the first step.  

Also, staying out of perfection. Perfect doesn’t exist.  Perfect parenting doesn’t exist.  

Let me know when you’re ready to do “The Work” on yourself.

That’s your first powerful decision.

Self-love superpower, 

Dr. Karla, ActivistMD

Dr. Karla & “The Magical Everywhere”: Positivity through Adversity!

Dr. Karla & “The Magical Everywhere”: Positivity through Adversity!

by | May 8, 2022 | General, Self Care

Did you know I’m a children’s book author?  To get your signed copy, go to https://imecommunity.com/empowering-books/ and I’ll send you an extra copy to donate to a child who needs the magical message, your school library, your pediatrician’s office, community library, etc.  

It is my very favorite thing I have done in my career – writing “The Magical Everywhere!”  I was inspired to write it by one of my patients, Magical Gigi! 

We need the message of “The Magical Everywhere” now more than ever!

Did you know you are “the magical everywhere”?

Listen to me read “The Magical Everywhere” and “fly around the world with Magical Gigi on a journey to find the perfect word to describe someone like you! The book was written and illustrated to honor the life and spirit of Magical Gigi, an eternally full-of-life eight year-old girl, famous for her positivity through adversity.  

Thank you for listening and sharing!

Self-love superpower, 

Dr. Karla, ActivistMD

TikTok Is the Best QI Project for Doctors

TikTok Is the Best QI Project for Doctors

by | May 5, 2022 | General

So, you want to be a TikTok doc?

Welcome to the medical side of TikTok – Read about becoming a TikTok doc! 

Check out one of my favorite #TikTokdocs content creators:

@rubin_allergy is a double hula hooper who can tie a bow tie while hooping (is this a verb) and opens every video with, “Holy Cow Folks.”

He’s a pediatric allergist and immunologist sharing the latest studies and recommendations regarding COVID in children. 

What It Means to Be a TikTok Doc

What does it even mean to be a TikTok doc?

I was wondering the same thing when I launched IME Community (@imecommunity on TikTok), a digital life and weight coaching platform for teens on January 25, 2021. 

I had no intention of becoming a TikTok doc.  Since I coach teens, everyone said that TikTok would be the panacea to my successful digital entrepreneurship goals. Everything I do aligns with my vision, “creating community with compassionate connection” and so, luckily for my financial goals and ego, I viewed TikTok as a curious fun learning opportunity to show up as my true self. 

TikTok has allowed me to fully own Dr. Karla, ActivistMD.

Funny/Unapologetic/Firestarter  

Okay. Fine. I’ll do it. With some advice and technical support from my teens, I launched my TikTok adventure the day my website launched.  

Now, here I am, 15 months later, all in, most famously known as the Doctor disrupting weight stigma and bias in healthcare, reversing insulin resistance, and helping everyone find self-love superpower.

I’m using #tiktokdocs with every post, currently have 63.5k followers (not that many according to most of the creators I follow) and growing (I hope to get to a Dr. Evil 1 million). I have over 800 videos that I recently put into a playlist of 10 different content topics.

I’ve spent nearly two decades of my career addressing the childhood obesity epidemic, but have learned so much more from TikTok about what patients experience than I ever did in medical school, residency, as a community pediatrician in a clinic, as a physician leader at a Children’s hospital or as the founder of a community non-profit. 

Learning More About Patient Experiences Through TikTok

TikTok is a collective of shared individual patient experiences, so much so that my daughter and I did a qualitative study, published in KevinMD.com, on the harms of medical gaslighting due to weight stigma and bias after mining over 800 comments on my first viral TikTok post.

In medicine, we are often stuck in systems that are non-agile.  Physicians are required to jump through the hoops of constructed QI maintenance of certification projects which, we all know, are not that useful in practice. 

Physicians don’t often get the chance to show the different sides of ourselves within static healthcare systems. 

Why TikTok Is the Best QI Project for Doctors

TikTok is the best QI because of the platform’s built-in PDSA cycles.  First, start with your AIM statement which I suggest could be something like:

Disseminate the most up-to-date information on (insert content topic) on social media platform and measure analytics. 

Plan: Do you want to share content based on a recent study, common trend or misinformation that’s out there?

Do: Make the video using a TikTok trend, duet a popular creator’s video, or create your own informative video. 

Study: Measure your built-in TikTok analytics.  

Act: Refine the change and act on what you’ve learned. Try making a response video. 

I’m going to suggest to the American Board of Pediatrics that all my time on TikTok should count as MOC credit this cycle.  

If you want to get on TikTok, decide ahead of time by asking yourself these powerful questions:

  • How do I want to show up? 
  • What is the cause I am called to tend to?
  • Where do I want to put my attentional focus?
  • How will I measure my success?

Don’t try to predict the clock app’s algorithm, get obsessed with which hashtags to post, or constantly check your vanity metrics (total time suck and energy drain).

Ignore haters and trolls with my simple strategy:

  • Report/Delete/Block 
  • Lather/Rinse/Repeat

Most of us went into medicine to connect with humanity and to make a difference. TikTok is a great platform if you’re a doctor who takes your work seriously, but not yourself.  

If you’re feeling called to be a #tiktokdocs, click on that app and dive in. The water’s fine. Follow me @imecommunity and I’ll follow you right back.

Self-love superpower, 

Dr. Karla, ActivistMD

Dr. Karla & “The Magical Everywhere”: Positivity through Adversity!

What Is Sextortion and How Do You Prevent Your Teen from Being a Victim?

by | Apr 12, 2022 | Anti Bullying, General, Parenting and Teens, Self Care

This blog and video come with a trauma warning.  If you or your teen are experiencing depression and need to talk to someone, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.


“Sometimes I feel like I want to give it up, but it’s such a big part of teenage life, I just don’t.” (Teen on Childhood 2.0 Life in the Digital Age)

Do You Know How to Help Protect Your Kids and Teens from Cyberbullying and Sextortion?

Do you feel like you can protect your kids from the dangers online?

Do you feel like your kids need to learn to navigate the digital world on their own?  

After all, they live in the Information Age which surely comes with some benefits.  Us Parents grew up with all of the physical dangers and there’s only so much fear we can take on.  

Parents, we need to adapt and it needs to happen quickly.  

The COVID pandemic has exacerbated process addictions like screen time. 

Statistics show that violent crimes, physical dangers, are not as much of a risk to our children as the harms online, including cyberbullying, sextortion, digital marketing that uses highly successful and strategic neuro-marketing tactics.  

An Important Documentary About Sextortion and Cyberbullying

You and your teen need to watch Childhood 2.0 The Living Experiment to really see what it’s like for our children and teens growing up in the digital age. Parents, we do hard things and it’s time to stop burying our heads in the sand when it comes to our teens and social media and the scariness of what’s out there on the internet.  

If you are the kind of parent who believes “This will never happen to my son or my daughter,” you are living in an alternate reality.  Process addictions like screen time addictions are real.  Youth suicide rates are up and in younger children.  

If you or your teen are experiencing depression and need to talk to someone, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

We can’t control all of the internet, but we also can’t throw our hands up in the air and not do anything and be totally helpless.  

What is Self-Coaching?

When it comes to helping our teens there’s nothing us parents won’t do. 

It’s just that we don’t cause and we don’t control a lot.  Recognizing the reality that we can’t prevent suffering for our teens or ourselves is powerful awareness.  

In this YouTube I am doing the hard work, putting in the time, to coach myself (aka being curious and creating thought awareness) on the topic of sextortion on the internet and our teens.  

This is very hard work, but it’s the most important work us parents need to do for ourselves to truly help our teens.  

You may have heard the tragic news of the high school student who was a victim of sextortion by internet trolls who sent a compromised photo of a girl he knew, or he thought was her, and then asked him to send a photo of himself.  Once he did, he received an email asking for $300 or the photo would be spread on the internet.  He sent the money and then received another email asking for $1,000 or the photo would be shared. He didn’t have the money and panicked and within six hours of receiving the first email he ended his life.  

Why It’s Wrong to Think “This Can’t Happen to My Teen”

If you believe this can’t be your teen, you are wrong. 

I was panicked with the worst fear possible when I heard this tragic story.  Thoughts create feelings and feelings drive actions.  I felt panic and froze.  In other words, I froze in my steps and wasn’t doing anything to help my teens at all.  With self-coaching, I was able to get curious and create thought awareness.  Current thoughts create current reality and current result.  If I wanted to get unstuck from freeze mode, I needed to create awareness of my thoughts that were creating the feeling of panic.

Once I created powerful awareness of my current thoughts and feelings and actions, then I can do some self-discovery to figure out why I keep choosing to stay stuck and then create some powerful thought shift to a thought that creates a feeling of intentional.  

Positive Actions to Take Against Sextortion and Cyberbullying

Here’s what I found out. 

The most powerful current thought coming up for me that was creating a feeling of panic and sending me into a stress response freeze mode was:

“I haven’t done enough to protect my kids.”

This thought created panic, the action of freezing and the result: “I’m not doing anything.”

Then,  I created a thought shift to something that is believable to me and will create a feeling of intentional, which is how I decided I want to feel.

Here’s my new thought:

 “I trust myself to show up even when it’s a hard issue, topic or conversation.” 

Feeling: Intentional

Action: Self-coaching, check out documentary and resources and write opening to conversation script with my teen

Result: I’m showing up to help my teens through difficult times.

See how that self-coaching works? It’s important work and our teens are worth it. Make sure you check out imecommunity.com and Join for Dr. Karla coaching.

Self-love superpower, 

Dr. Karla, ActivistMD

 

Self Awareness and Discovery – Doing the Work

Stop Bullying Your Selfie

by | Apr 1, 2022 | Body Positivity, General, Self Acceptance

“But first lemme take a selfie”

A selfie is worth a thousand words, or at least a thousand Instagram comments.

There’s More to Selfies Than Pose and Click

I’m horrible at taking selfies.  Like, really bad.  I never know where to look, so I always look like I’m staring off to the side.  My kids make relentless fun of my selfie ineptitude.  In fact, one time, my oldest daughter, Katherine, got on my phone and got all my selfies together and posted them on Instagram with the caption, “My Mom’s a Savage.”

I actually took this as a compliment!

The other day I was life coaching a teen in IME Community on pictures, social media and all the things.

I always learn so much from life coaching.  It’s my all-time favorite.   

I don’t really find that teens are obsessed with taking selfies and posting them on social media. 

Teens are much more nuanced than us parents when it comes to social media platforms. 

Self-Judging About Selfies

Teens are obsessed with self-judging before posting said selfies. It makes total sense, especially if you read my recent blog on Cyberbullying and Teens. 

It’s a part of perfectionism, which is a harmful thought habit that keeps us from showing up as our true authentic selves ready to live our fun magical lives! 

More on perfectionism reset and Make It Fun to Get It Done coming up in IME Community!

There’s so much pressure, not to post necessarily, but if you want to post, teens feel the pressure to get ahead of their post and make it “perfect” to avoid criticism.  

Stop Bullying Yourself – Perfect Doesn’t Exist

Let’s repeat that: Perfect. Doesn’t Exist.

  •     “I look bad in that pic.”  
  •     “Let’s take another one.” 
  •     “That’s a bad angle.”  
  •     “I hate what I’m wearing.” 
  •     “Why does everyone else look good, but I look horrible?”

You’re judging yourself before it even goes out into the world.

“It’s permanent once I post it.” 

That’s a thought. Thoughts create feelings. “It’s permanent” creates fear which will drive the action to get stuck in self-judging perfectionism. 

Not challenging thoughts means you stay stuck in current patterns, results and reality.

Sure, that selfie becomes part of the manufactured digital universe, but it never has to permanently affect you in your mind. 

Going to Post a Selfie? Try Thinking About It This Way

Try these thoughts instead:

  •     This is a random selfie and I’m having fun.
  •     I’m willing to let people judge me. 
  •     I like my reasons for posting this selfie. 
  •     I have my own back.  

Once you post from a place of self-love, you create self-trust which is a huge self-confidence build.  You start taking more action which perpetuates more action and so on and so on. 

If your teen is indulging in selfie overwhelm, offer up one of the Dr. Karla thought challenges as a new perspective and then let it go. 

Trust your teen to create selfie self-trust and figure it out on their own. 

Make sure you join IME Community if you’re a teen, 12 to 18 or parent of a teen who is ready to cancel diet culture and co-create a body positive community in a body negative world!

Self-love superpower, 

Dr. Karla, ActivistMD